Horse mounts on Austrian President
By Voldemort Bailey

Austrian President Karl Wallybangeritzer has today come under pressure to resign after a report uncovered his sexual past. President Wallybangeritzer today received an order to stop shagging horses in a rare display of public disgust.

The public-backed report accused Dr. Wallybangeritzer "of grossly inappropriate actions with several animals.”

The report also claimed that Waldheim paved the way for internet atrocities by being involved in the spamming of bebo accounts with a virus which began with “OMG” or “LOL”. Yeah you know the one. What a knob.

Asshole-hunter Deco Reilly urged Dr. Wallybangeritzer to quit, citing the President's tattered reputation. After Lily Allen blocked him from entry last April, few women will now accept him. Reilly later added, in a comment directed at the President- “Shudupp ta fook”

A Presidential aide accused the report of being flawed, saying it contained "things which are just wrong, particularly the shagging horses bit. No, that really wasn’t true. Also: Sharon, I still love you. Come back to me snugglekiss."

In an appearance on Austrian television, Wallybangeritzer declared he was pleased that the report absolved him of involvement in war-crimes. The commission that published the report felt he was off his tits on bestiality however, as a distinct smell of hay was reported to be emanating from President Wallybangeritzer.

Chancellor Frank McDeadly refused to comment on whether Wallybangeritzer should resign. McDeadly's Deadly Party defeated a motion to turn back the report's conclusions, adding to the pressure on the bestial President, who later accused McDeadly of “being a real twat”.

Opposition to Dr.Wallybangeritzer is rising, with groups like the Nearly Almost Really Klassy (NARK) swelling in numbers. NARK, a group of anti-bestiality intellectuals, today described the report as a "200-sided report on Wallybangeritzer’s mingin’ buuuuurds."

The 202-page report also spotlighted the President's earlier denials that he was involved in any sexually activity. Wallybangeritzer later added “I iz Virgin, ja?” .A member of the commission responsible for the report said he regarded the President to have fallen "into a trap of his horses’ making."

Leitrimonian diplomats today further increased the tension surrounding President Wallybangeritzer by saying that the President would not be welcome in non-aligned Leitrim as long as he continued to “act the eejit”.

Big eejit dies after falling off bed; daughter blamed

By Voldemort Bailey

Coroner William MacMahonmahon or “Bog Willy” to his friends has described the death of a geriatric woman in a Limerick hospital as “an unfortunate accident”, An Cabáiste heard yesterday.

Mary Wonka died after falling off a trolley in the Accident and Emergency (A & E) department of the Limerick hospital. She proceeded to “Whack her head mad hard off the fookin floor and all”, said staff nurse Deco Reilly.

Mrs Wonka, aged too old, was initially admitted to “the kip with the needles”, as Reilly preferred to call it, with scutters and pukin’ before the tragic accident occurred on May 13.

Her daughter, Mrs Therese Bin Jabber remarked; “My poor Mother died alone and in pain”, adding that she “brought her to hospital to be helped, instead she ended up in the morgue.”

Ms Bin Jabber, aged 44, a weightwatchers attendee, has been earmarked as the real reason her mother is now dead. Ms Bin Jabber was informed of her mother’s death over a bin in the local “Subway”. It is reported Bin Jabber went for the Southwest sauce, but declined a meal deal on the basis of inadequate Coke.

The post-mortem conducted by William MacMahonmahon gave the cause of the elderly woman’s death as a fracture in Mrs Wonka’s skull resulting from being far too old.

All of the jury in yesterday’s official inquest reached a verdict of the death being entirely Ms Bin Jabber's fault.

A junior doctor tried and failed to resuscitate Mrs Wonka after she was found lying between her daughter's discarded "Moro" wrappers and the wall in the Accident and Emergency ward of the hospital on the night of the 13^th at 8.05pm.

Darth Vader, the HSE health and safety director for the Mid-Western region stated that the Health Service Executive “investigated this incident fully” and that the HSE were “satisfied there was no breach of health and safety on the day in question, but still convinced that it was the fat bitches' fault.”

The coroner William McMahonMahon also extended his sympathies to Mrs Wonka’s family in a statement after the inquest into her death as a result of a lard-ass daughter was heard yesterday.