Horse mounts on Austrian President
By Voldemort Bailey

Austrian President Karl Wallybangeritzer has today come under pressure to resign after a report uncovered his sexual past. President Wallybangeritzer today received an order to stop shagging horses in a rare display of public disgust.

The public-backed report accused Dr. Wallybangeritzer "of grossly inappropriate actions with several animals.”

The report also claimed that Waldheim paved the way for internet atrocities by being involved in the spamming of bebo accounts with a virus which began with “OMG” or “LOL”. Yeah you know the one. What a knob.

Asshole-hunter Deco Reilly urged Dr. Wallybangeritzer to quit, citing the President's tattered reputation. After Lily Allen blocked him from entry last April, few women will now accept him. Reilly later added, in a comment directed at the President- “Shudupp ta fook”

A Presidential aide accused the report of being flawed, saying it contained "things which are just wrong, particularly the shagging horses bit. No, that really wasn’t true. Also: Sharon, I still love you. Come back to me snugglekiss."

In an appearance on Austrian television, Wallybangeritzer declared he was pleased that the report absolved him of involvement in war-crimes. The commission that published the report felt he was off his tits on bestiality however, as a distinct smell of hay was reported to be emanating from President Wallybangeritzer.

Chancellor Frank McDeadly refused to comment on whether Wallybangeritzer should resign. McDeadly's Deadly Party defeated a motion to turn back the report's conclusions, adding to the pressure on the bestial President, who later accused McDeadly of “being a real twat”.

Opposition to Dr.Wallybangeritzer is rising, with groups like the Nearly Almost Really Klassy (NARK) swelling in numbers. NARK, a group of anti-bestiality intellectuals, today described the report as a "200-sided report on Wallybangeritzer’s mingin’ buuuuurds."

The 202-page report also spotlighted the President's earlier denials that he was involved in any sexually activity. Wallybangeritzer later added “I iz Virgin, ja?” .A member of the commission responsible for the report said he regarded the President to have fallen "into a trap of his horses’ making."

Leitrimonian diplomats today further increased the tension surrounding President Wallybangeritzer by saying that the President would not be welcome in non-aligned Leitrim as long as he continued to “act the eejit”.